We all have a morning routine. Mine involves coffee, shower and listening to the Pop-Buzz audio stream (honest!) but before that, I check my phone for all the latest internet nonsense I missed while asleep. I'll browse twitter, watch whatever stupid game Fallon has forced Harrison Ford or whoever to take part in (Han So-Limbo? There you go Jimmy, you can have that idea for free!) before arriving on Facebook.
And every morning, among the birthday reminders, event invitations and petition signatures, right at the very top of the newsfeed, is something like this (minus the shoddy face blurring, obviously):
Dear. God. Why? Bad haircut and bad outfit. Go away!
But sadly, as my friends and acquaintances continue to use "On This Day" gleefully, I still wake up to someone I know writing "OMG LOL, remember this???" next to some embarrassing old image.
Worse still is when the photo they plucked from days gone by is one from 2014! ONE F*CKING YEAR AGO! OF COURSE I REMEMBER THAT, FACEBOOK - IT WAS ONLY 12 F*CKING MONTHS AGO!!!! AND I WAS THERE!!!!!!
Do I look happy about this?
For the record, Facebook, if I wanted to remember that grimy club I attend one time at Uni with four people I lost touch with immediately after fresher's week, I would have printed and framed that particular photo. Or at the very least, I would have drunk a little less that night. If it's a nice photo I want to see again, I'll keep it, either electronically or otherwise. Simple as that.
So why does Facebook keep feeling the need to ram old memories down our throats? At this point, it's like some needy partner clinging onto a relationship that has long since fallen apart!
Look at this photo? Remember this? Look at how happy we were! It can be like that again!Needy Facebook
You nod and smile but you both know you are seeing Tumblr behind their back...
Because Facebook, for me, has never been about nostalgia. It's not even really about friendship. I used it at uni because it was the easiest way for study groups and drinking buddies to arrange when/where to meet. I use it now for work, and, similarly, to waste time and look at stupid videos, take funny quizzes and read weird essays on topics that don't really matter (like this one). If you've read this far, chances are you feel the same way.
But the real problem is, the more I look at these images of my younger self, the more I am hating the guy in the photos. The memories Facebook pulls up at random are invariably just boring group shots of club nights that I really didn't need to be reminded of. Youthful idiocy - nothing scandalous but nothing worth noting. And this clogging of my newsfeed is starting to make me get increasingly p*ssed off with the guy smiling back at me from the photo.
My friend text me recently, after spotting another "On This Day" post featuring him, with a sudden realisation: "I think when we were at uni, we may have been d*cks". No mate. We definitely were. And I'd like to forget about it.
So, Mark Zuckerberg/Jess Eisenberg/anyone at Facebook reading this - please, get me an early Christmas present. Stop reminding me of old boring stuff I did. I remember it already. And, unless I choose to revisit it on my own accord, it's unlikely I want to go back in time to relive it all over again.