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All We Know by The Chainsmokers

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The Chainsmokers All We Know
Selena Gomez Victoria's Secret

You say Selena can't sing live? Well I say she can just breathe into a mic and I would watch the s**t out of that every day. Especially if we're talking the new and improved Selena Gomez with the hair and the black dresses and the shirtless dancers and... I'm getting ahead of myself. Here's how this dark time in my life began. 

1) The debut performance of "Come And Get It" at the MTV Movie Awards 2010.

Sadly, Selena's straight fire performance at the Movie Awards was overshadowed by her unfortunate tendency to wear culturally appropriative accessories. But look at that hair toss! Look at that killer red lip. This woman would be the death of us all. An inescapable Selena addiction had begun.


She lured me into a false sense of safety for the next couple of years. Then she dropped the subtle sex bop "Good For You"

What had this woman done and more importantly, HOW COULD I BE JUST LIKE HER??? This was when I googled my first Selena Gomez makeup tutorial and ordered my first set of extensions. "Good for You" played during all my waking moments. It was all downhill from there.


3) Then came the "Same Old Love" at the AMAs where Vampire Queen Selena established her dominance over my soul.

I didn't know what to do with myself. Selena had made herself clear. She was here to create a loyal following, with which to topple all the world's governments. Those poor dancers were already on board. I was not far behind.


5) Lest I forget that Selena could hold her own on stage, then came this Ellen performance.

Look at that power suit! Listen to those raspy vocals! This is what I expect from my cult leaders. Selena had arrived to show us the one true way.


5) Days passed. I thought I could escape the Gomezcapades, but there was no way out. Every time I tried to listen to someone else, a video like this would pop up in my suggestions.

I didn't even like that song ffs! But YouTube knew... It just knew.


Even after I had already accepted Selena Gomez as my Lord and Saviour, she had a job to do. Nay, a world to run.

3:02 was when I listed all my earthly possessions on eBay to fund her world domination campaign.


I wasn't alone in the cult, of course.

Selena Had already recruited a group of Amazonian-looking women to power pose, smize and form a human shield around her as she announced her global campaign. The entire world would soon be under her exquisitely manicured thumb. Prepare for the rise of the Gomez regime. 

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