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Human Touch by Betty Who

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Remember when Destiny's Child released one of the best Christmas songs the world has ever heard? You know the one... the one where Beyoncé reels off all the expensive presents her BAE bought her for Christmas while Kelly and Michelle provide backing vocals. It's a classic!

 

Sadly, it's time we faced the harsh reality that the gifts under your tree will never be anything like Beyoncé's baller Christmas list. They've been lying to us the whole time.

On the 8th day of Christmas, Beyoncé is getting a pair of Chloé shades and a diamond belly ring.

Cost: £2.5 Million for the Cartier diamond and a pair of SS16 shades fresh off the runway. 
What you’re really getting: A pair of bent sunglasses from Topshop and a pack of 3 Neon belly rings from Claire's Accessories.

On the 7th day of Christmas, Beyoncé is getting a nice back rub and foot massage.

Cost: Priceless!
What you're really getting: A foot massage? HA! Dream on! Shouted at for not texting back, more like!

On the 6th day of Christmas, Beyoncé is getting a cropped jacket with dirty denim jeans.

Cost: £3220 for a gold satin Givenchy cropped jacket and some distressed Cavalli denim.
What you're really getting: A jacket from the clearance stock at ZARA but it’s only cropped because it’s too small for you. And some actual dirty jeans. Wah. 

On the 5th day of Christmas, Beyoncé is getting a poem from her beau.

Cost: Priceless!
What you're really getting: A string of cringeworthy Tinder messages from that guy you matched with last Tuesday.

On the 4th day of Christmas, Beyoncé is getting a candlelit dinner just for her & her honey.

Cost: Expensive! We're talking about a table at an exclusive restaurant, we’re talking bottles and bottles of Armand De Brignac. 
What you're really getting: A trip to Nando's only because BAE has saved up 10 Chilis for a free whole chicken.

On the 3rd day of Christmas Beyoncé is getting a gift certificate to get her favourite CDs.

Price: A Premium Tidal Subscription. $25.99 a month.
What you're really getting: A 30-day trial of Amazon Prime that is not going to get renewed.

On the 2nd day of Christmas, Beyoncé is getting the keys to a CLK Mercedes.

Cost: Around £75k for the latest top of the range Mercedes Coupe.
What you're really getting: DEFINITELY NOT A CAR!!

On the 1st day of Christmas, Beyoncé is getting quality T-I-M-E.

Cost: Priceless
What you're really getting: Quality T-I-M-E to spend ~ALONE~ while your BAE plays on his new Xbox. Ugh.


Shout out to Beyoncé for making all of our future Christmases irrelevant!

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