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Human Touch by Betty Who

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Betty Who Human Touch
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Dear Darren Criss,

How's tricks? Good. Now - we need to have a serious chat.

Way way back in the halcyon days of 2011, you signed a solo record deal with Columbia. This was a pretty big deal at the time - Glee was still a cultural phenomenon and your character Blaine was fast becoming the breakout character. 

Remember your version of "Teenage Dream"? Of course you do - it sh*t all over the original and the original was already pretty damn awesome.

You also had a loyal fanbase from your ep "Human" and your Starkid productions, most notably "A Very Potter Musical", featuring catchy tunes like "Stutter", "Not Alone" and "Granger Danger".

HP and musical theatre - the combo we never realised we needed.

Through both these projects you proved yourself to be a charismatic, entertaining performer destined for pop stardom. And so I sat back and waited for your debut album in anticipation, knowing that soon a new global superstar would be gracing us with his brilliance.

Well now it's 2015. And I'm still waiting.

What has happened here? Your album seemed like an easy win for all concerned and yet four years on we are yet to hear of any major progress let alone a release date. Things were looking good in 2013 when you headed out on the Listen Up! tour, playing Glee covers, potter classics and roadtesting new songs.

And what songs they were. "Any Of Those Things" has a catchy piano hook that would eat the radio and a big singalong chorus with plenty of 'Oh-OHHH' action to belt out in the shower. 

 

Then there's "Pheromones", a big guitar-led pop song about high school love that sounds like a male version of a Carley Rae Jepson song (which is a good thing). It even features a cheeky nod to your Warblers past with an epic acapella breakdown in the second verse. 

 

And who can forget "Picture Perfect Girl", an uptempo falsetto dream number that makes you sound like Adam Levine with a less punchable face. Guaranteed hit (pun intended). 

So what's going on? One theory going round tumblr is that after your fellow Glee alumni Lea Michele's album failed to set the world alight (I mean it had some absolute tunes and sold almost half a million copies but industry expectations are weird sometimes), Columbia got nervous and put your record on the permanent back burner. That would make little sense given that you were arguably the biggest star of Glee, with some major chart hits during the show and a sell out US tour without any new material released. Plus, unlike any other members of New Directions, you were already known as a songwriter prior to your involvement in the show.

A more likely theory is that, being the ever-prolific showbiz triple-threat that you are, you have just been too busy starring on broadway, filming American Horror Story and hanging with Tyler Oakley to find the time to record some tunes.

But I'm not accepting that as an excuse. Yes, you are pretty good at all that other stuff but this album has the potential to be the next "Justified". Why are you denying us of it? This generation needs it's Timberlake - don't just leave it to Bieber.

Come on Darren, enough is enough. Get into the studio and lay down a tight 10 tracks, drop it onto itunes and watch the world explode. You deserve it. And so do we.

Yours Impatiently,

James Wilson-Taylor

P.S - Where can i get my hands on a pair of these sick pick wayfarers? Tweet me details. 

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