Hot dads: they're the internet's biggest weakness. I bet you're thinking of a hot dad right now, and if you weren't; well, now you are. You're welcome.
But apparently somebody told McDonald's our secret, and inevitably they've unveiled a sexy new reboot to a much-tolerated mascot. No, it's not Ronald McDonald with boobs, you weirdo.
The Legend. The Lore. The good looks? Hamburglar is back, America, and he’s after our Sirloin Third Pound Burgers! https://t.co/M2Zi2OXo4u— McDonald's (@McDonalds) May 7, 2015
Yup, the baby-faced Big Mac-pinching rascal that is the Hamburglar is all grown up, and his beef-induced kleptomania has grown with him. Now a chilled, suburban hot dad, the Hamburglar returns from retirement to target Mickey D's new Sirloin Third Pound Burger. It's bigger, or something.
He also gets a slick, new, vaguely hipster-ish look, complete with ironic burger tie and knockoff Yeezys. Don't think we wouldn't notice.
And of course, rather than getting the Greater Internet's tummies rumbling for burgs, McDonald's have inadvertently caused a global thirst.
Yep, people officially want to bang the Hamburglar. Welcome to 2015.
We really shouldn't be shocked at this point. Remember the Old Spice Guy?
[INT. MCDONALDS HQ] EXEC stands in front of WHITE BOARD: Gentlemen, I present: the turnaround plan! WHITE BOARD READS: "HOT HAMBURGLAR"— Rusty Foster (@rustyk5) May 6, 2015
The new #Hamburglar is a total HILF.— Andy Bowers (@evilpez4) May 7, 2015
I'd let the new hamburglar something something food/sex pun— hashtag hannah (@hahanuhuhh) May 6, 2015
Continuing research on this subject inspired us to search, out of morbid, morbid curiosity, the phrase "burgle my ham". And while we weren't disappointed, your mothers definitely are.
I would definitely let the new Hamburglar...burgle...my...ham? Yeah. No. I'm proud of it.— Khalyeezy (@PJCalamity) May 7, 2015
dayum the new hamburglar can burgle my ham anyday— Touch My Heart (@pup_noodle) May 7, 2015
So there is the news. The Hamburglar is hot now, and the internet is nasty.