"Tall people suck." (Anonymous, 12AD-)
A problem as old as time, the unending battle between the "smalls" and "talls" of the earth. Unfortunately, as much as we "shorts" would love to blame the "talls" they're actually generally** really** nice people**. And really, what actually sucks is being short. It really sucks. And this is especially true at gigs. Below, 21 problems every short person at a gig understands:
**they sometimes let us go in front.
**and they can't help being tall I suppose.
1. You have to arrive at the venue crazily early to get a comfortable viewing spot and may have to wait in line for hours and hours.
2. NO MATTER what at the beginning of the concert the tallest person at the venue will always be standing directly Front Middle. This just is. And they will probably also have big curly hair and/or will be wearing a hat.
3. "Talls" tend to be found clumped together in groups or pairs so you must take time to scan around for a slightly flatter area.
4. When the location scouting is over, you must settle upon a viewing spot between two pairs of shoulders/small mountains. It's the best you can hope for.
5. But as the band comes on stage, your quiet preparations are ruined as people start to jig around and the shoulder space is closed shut like...
6.. You're left viewless and you have to wait for your gig companion to offer up their own spy hole.
7. You share it for a while but your neck starts hurting and it's ruining both your views now so you shuffle back to your sightless spot, involuntarily breathing in the neck-smell of the person in directly in front of you.
8. TIPTOES. But they're pretty tiring so you have to reserve your energies for that bit of a song you really like, or for when a band member starts talking about how great the venue is/ how it's so good to be in your town/ does guitar solo.
10. Oh no. It's the band's popular radio song everyone likes. People start jumping and somehow you're jumping too because that's how science works and you're actually just a salmon.
11. The song finishes and exhausted, you realise you've drifted 100m away from where you once stood and you're directly behind a "tall". You sigh loudly and your head fills itself with mean thoughts about the "tall" but then he/she turns arounds and they're actually really, really nice, and they let you go in front but then you feel bad.
12. It's now the band's slow song. Someone pulls out a camera directly in front of you and starts filming and you're like.
13. ...But then you realise you can USE IT TO YOUR ADVANTAGE because it's offering a better view of the band than your own.
14. Until you force yourself to stop because this is ridiculous.
15. Someone then leaves to get a beer and you get their view of the stage, but it's only enough of a view to see your least favourite band member/ backing musician /large-headed security guard. At least it's a view, though.
16. But then someone starts crowdsurfing and it's just... VACATE AREA IMMEDIATELY.
17. And now you've drifted again and you're now behind a person wearing a backpack. Backpack quickly assumes nemesis status.
18. You then spend an inordinate amount of time wondering WHY AREN'T ALL venue floor spaces built on a slope? WHERE'S THE GRADIENT? THIS WOULD BE A LOGICAL SOLUTION TO A TIME HONOURED PROBLEM.
19. The band leave the stage but come back for an encore but lots of people have already left (mwhahahaha) and you finally see the stage properly for the first time...
20. You might even manage eye contact with a band member at this point and your entire fan experience is validated in one tiny moment: THEY MAY NOW KNOW YOU EXIST, and you CONNECTED maybe, perhaps.
21. The band then starts throwing drumsticks and cool stuff you want to own into the crowd as they leave the stage. You resign yourself to defeat and defer to the "talls" until something falls to the floor and then it's suddenly YOUR TIME TO SHINE and you dive to the ground (successfully or unsuccessfully) like it's what your shrimp-sized body was made for.